JEFF CHILDERS

Okay, now they’ve done it. Finally, after all these long months, they’ve gone too far. An incredibly offensive and defamatory article in the UK Express yesterday bore the headline, “Blood Clots: The Nation’s Favourite Drink Could Make Your Blood Sticky – Increasing Risk.”

Oh, no you don’t. This aggression will not stand.

In an Express “exclusive,” cherry-picked expert Professor Mark Whiteley warned caffeine can cause “sticky blood”, increasing the risk of a blood clot. “Dehydration affects the constituents of the blood, making blood thicker and more ‘sticky’,” the useless expert explained.

Quit smirking, tea drinkers, you didn’t dodge the bullet either. He also defamed tea. The Express reported Professor Whiteley noted tea – Britain’s favorite brew – also contains caffeine, “which actually causes you to lose water.” It wrings the H2O out of you, just like squeezing a moist dishrag.

And guess what else dehydrates you? The prof pointed out that ALCOHOL is also a terrific dehydrator.

This is SO dumb. You know what else makes you dehydrated? NOT DRINKING WATER FOR A FEW HOURS. Remember all those people getting blood clots after forgetting to hydrate at an endless JV volleyball tournament or something? Yeah, me neither.

Haha, the doctor also pointed out that dehydration — and sticky blood clots — can even come from an unexpected source — WATER: “over-drinking [water] can also cause problems,” Professor Whiteley warned.

Water causes blood clots! I’m not making that up!

Let me bottom line this for you: Blood clots must be getting so common that they are now blaming EVERYTHING. Everything causes blood clots. Air. Mosquitos. Bad news. Joe Biden sniffing your hair. A candid photo of Nancy Pelosi. Scooters. Hair nets. Overtight bras. Everything.

Express readers are, apparently, dumb enough to slurp up this conspicuous nonsense. I’m only going to say this once: Keep your mad theories but Leave Our Coffee Alone, Brits! Remember what happened last time