FROM J C

The New York Post ran the story yesterday headlined, “New ‘Pirola’ variant of COVID is spreading fast, has experts concerned.”

Experts concerned! What would we do without experts? I mean, seriously. And, of course, the media is blanketing the airwaves with Pirola nonsense. Here are just a few:

The terrifying new Omicron variant appears to be named after a giant asteroid, 1082 Pirola. It’s going to slam right into us! Panic!

Or, the name is a combination of the Greek letters Pi and Rho, as officially claimed. Which technically would be “PiRho,” but whatever, we’re dealing with experts here, so you have to cut them some slack.

Anyway, the latest horrifying scariant inconveniently evolved from the “BA” line of covid, and has the official designation BA.2.86. The story breathlessly reported it has “more than 30 mutations” in its spike protein, as if the fact viruses evolve were supposed to be significant somehow.

Wait, I get it. Pirola is a giant mutated asteroid! That’s even worse than a Kraken. It’s like a flying Kraken, if the Kraken were 42 miles across. Kraknado.

The fearsome new variant’s genetic lineage is significant because the highly-touted new and improved booster shots, announced only this week, projected to be available later this month, are already obsolete. They were developed to target the Omicron subvariant XBB.1.5, which doesn’t have the 30 mutations.

In other words, the brand new boosters or jabs or whatever target a completely different strain from the Pirola variant. Great job experts.

The Post’s cherry-picked expert said the vaccines will probably still work, maybe, but perhaps not quite as well as intended. “My guess is that it will also offer an added layer of protection from infection, but it won’t be one hundred percent,” Dr. Roberts says.

It’s not a hundred percent. It’s a layer. And, he was just guessing. Science!

Suppose I offered to sell you a bulletproof vest. But in the fine print, the receipt said protection is not one hundred percent, and we guess it will add a layer of protection. Your first layer was your t-shirt.

It’s like wearing two t-shirts! Now, how many vests would you like?

Anyway, here’s how the Post fear-mongered the new variant despite knowing almost nothing about it. It’s the ‘scary questions’ technique:

Is the new COVID variant worse?

The three biggest questions facing medical experts are: How transmissible is Pirola? Will it bypass existing immune defenses? How lethal will it be for those unlucky enough to get infected by it?

“Nobody knows right now, but studies are ongoing,” Roberts said.

Nobody knows! In other words, they don’t know anything. They don’t even know whether Payola, sorry, Pirola, will catch on or not, at all. “The big question is if BA.2.86 will have the same exponential growth that Omicron did—in terms of case numbers—or if it will die out, which is certainly what everyone hopes,” Dr. Roberts explained.

Well, ‘exponential growth or dying out’ safely covers the entire spectrum of options. If it is exponential growth, it’s a shame all the vaccines people already took won’t protect them from Pirola. A dang shame.

Omicron is the least dangerous of all the covid variant lines. But never let the facts get in the way of a good covid scare story.